Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Previously on Weeds...
I think I'm your son.
Mother of shit.
I want to take your class.
Welcome to Applied Criminal Justice.
Where am I going? Custody hearing.
Stevie's gonna be there.
I want to see my son. Let me in, Scott.
Jill: Don't touch the gate, Scott.
It sucks. I get it.
So you'll back me? Sorry.
Silas: Went through six or seven variations
before I came up with that one.
Is that right?
That's that mother-fucking MILF weed.
Tell me you have good news about our weed supply.
Jill has scheduled a custody hearing.
I need you to come and be a character witness.
Maybe we should've called first.
They grow weed. We have money. It'll be fine.
I hope you're right.
Hell no.
[ Shotgun cocks ]
Maybe we should run. Don't be silly.
[ Gunshot ]
[ Grunts ]
Heylia, you psycho!
Peek out.
You peek out.
Be the man.
Be the mom.
[ Sighs ]
Heylia, I'm coming out. Please don't shoot.
Yee-haw! [ Shotgun cocks ]
[ Gunshot ]
Glad we took the extended coverage.
[ Gunshot ] I guess she does hold a grudge.
[ Laughs ]
You want the sheriff out here?!
You did not just take the gun away from the black woman.
What are you shooting at?
The fuck?
Hi, Dean.
Nancy?
Celia isn't with you, is she?!
No.
Oh, stop.
Shit.
It's my own damn fault.
Should have dropped you first time
you drove your narrow ass down the 110.
The shit your shit's blown all over my shit!
I paid for my shit -- in full!
She went to prison.
Any girl-on-girl action?
I just want to talk.
We. We want to talk.
Heylia: Fuck a talk -- you in Humboldt now,
where property laws say I can defend my land
against any and all aggressors, trespassers,
and interlopin' nightmare bitches from the past.
[ Shotgun cocks ]
No offense, chicken, but come on.
We just want pot. We have money.
I don't care if you got a goose that shits gold nuggets.
How you even find out where I live?
In Copenhagen, I found Conrad on Facebook.
He only had nine friends.
Yeah, is -- is he here?
None of your fuckin' business.
Why are you here?
It's a long story. No, it ain't.
It's kind of long.
Shut the fuck up!
Where the hell are we?
Oh, you in Heylia James' neighborhood.
[ Saw whirring ]
You didn't want to be in a polyamorous relationship, anyway --
Not with dying old cancer guy.
Yeah, it wasn't a poly...
Okay, Charles may have cupped my ass once.
And you don't want to be tied down in N.Y.C.,
fuck center of the universe.
I got bigger things on my mind.
Charles told me to put my balls out there.
Well, here. Here's my balls.
The goofy electric-bike thing you sold in Denmark?
Uh, not only is the Copenhagen wheel not goofy,
selling it might be
the only legitimate good idea I've ever had in my life.
Am I right, Shane?
I'm not bankrolling your goofy electric-bike thing, Andy.
Jerns gave me exclusive rights to New York.
I have experience. I even found a space.
I just need an initial influx of $80,000 --
No.
Come on. Give me some of your fake college loans.
No.
Give me some money!
[ Chuckles ]
Shane. Give me money.
Money. Money.
Give me some money, Shane. Money. Money.
Shane, quit being a selfish prick!
Give me some money.
I'm sorry that I called you "selfish" just then.
No.
Fuck you!
This is a low.
Well, the hedge fund dabbles in V.C.
They're always looking for some new bullshit companies
to add to the house of cards.
Seriously? Yeah. Come pitch to the guys.
I'll make whit squeeze you in. That dude worships me.
[ Chuckles ] I got to tell you, it's really refreshing.
Doug, thanks!
Fucker!
That's amazing. Thanks.
Oh, yeah.
[ Saw whirring ]
Slow down.
I'm on my chores.
You just someone following someone for no damn good reason.
Don't you want to know why I was in prison?
Involuntary dumbassery,
first-degree stepping-in-shit- you-can't-handle.
[ Sighs ]
Where's Conrad?
Once a month, he drives down to L.A. to sell to the clubs.
You know what I thought when you pulled up?
Thought some 5-year-old half-cocoa child
was gonna step out the car and start calling me "grandma."
[ Chuckles ] That's funny.
You were always funny. I missed you.
Levan used to have this stuffed penguin.
He'd lose it.
Howl like the sky had just been snuffed out.
But then he'd see something else --
dog, my earrings, whatever --
and just like that, he'd forget
the universe ever knew a thing called a penguin.
Am I Levan in this story?
It's called object impermanence.
And $1,000 say my black ass crossed your mind
maybe twice this whole time.
That's not true.
[ Scoffs ]
I-I'm obsessed with your black ass.
Haven't thought of anything else for years.
[ Sighs ]
Wow.
Stop!
Whole place booby-trapped.
Six ways to Jesus.
Follow me -- exactly.
Heylia...
I know.
And ain't a goddamn leaf of it for you.
Fungus gnats. They're attracted to the pot.
[ Chuckles ] I can't believe you're up here with Heylia.
Are y-you guys, like, together?
Couple of months ago,
she had a probate issue and had Conrad call me.
I came up. I never left.
Lot of work for a pot lawyer up here.
She lets me crash in exchange for legal help,
but we're just friends.
Come on.
You were pulling up your pants when you came out.
I was taking a dump.
She doesn't usually let me use the inside toilet.
But she was in a good mood. Thanks for fucking that up.
This weed is so familiar.
How many crops does she have in rotation?
What's the irrigation?
I don't know. Heylia doesn't let me up to the fields.
Look at you, huh? 24?
Oh, so jealous.
[ Chuckles ] Can I drink your blood?
Just, like, a shot. Please?
[ Chuckles ] No.
Living in New York, huh?
I haven't been out much yet,
but in Denmark, things got pretty wild.
Oh, Danish girls.
Yeah. I dated a couple.
A couple?
When I was your age,
I was sleeping with everything that moved.
First girl I ever slept with gave me crabs.
You ever have crabs? Ew. No.
By the time I was 30, I had had crabs, syphilis,
gonorrhea twice, chlamydia three times,
lymphogranuloma venereum in my urethra, penile scabies...
And a recurring bout of bacterial chancroids.
One time, my frenulum got caught on this Thai chick's braces.
We had to have a street dentist in Bangkok separate us.
I just shared a bong with you.
You got to revel in your youth, Silas.
Get crabs every once in a while. Stop being such a pussy.
I'm focused on getting our pot business back up.
You know what? Never mind.
I don't want to drink your blood. It's pussy blood.
Look who's talking.
"Heylia won't let me into the fields."
"Heylia won't let me shit indoors."
Pussy.
Ow.
Bug on your face.
No bug. Just your face.
You need to nut up.
You're right.
Fuck this.
I am going to explore.
These plants are beautiful.
Why do you think the whole place
rigged like an Indiana Jones movie?
The hydro.
Like a CD -- flawless.
But something dead about it.
This shit is Sam Cooke on vinyl.
This shit is alive.
You've changed.
Unh-unh.
Learned.
No one changes.
Well, Dean.
Step light now, snowflake.
No, I...I get it.
Time marches. Choices narrow.
You get...lonely.
Shit.
Being lonely's just something
invented by people ain't got enough work to do.
Sell to me.
No.
Would you rather I ask Conrad?
Damn, memento.
Conrad -- I told you. He's --
Conrad left six months ago.
He told Silas.
Conrad's gone.
So?
He taught me. I got the last crop packaged.
This one's ready to harvest.
Have to hire a bunch of stink-ass hippies to help,
but I'll manage -- always do.
Look, I'm sorry you're alone.
Don't you feel sorry for me.
Especially when this shit's your fault.
My fault?
My kitchen table was full every night -- every night --
'fore you wandered into my life.
Meanwhile, you out of prison one day,
and your whole family come running.
I...didn't ask them to.
Then walk away. Let 'em go.
Your story don't end well,
and if they don't know that by now,
they as stupid as you are.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Fuck you, Heylia.
On my property, on my time -- fuck me?
Fuck you!
It's not that simple just to walk away.
Walking away is simple as sugar cookies, baby.
Watch.
[ Sighs ]
Heylia?
Shit.
Heylia?
We're supposed to have a guest speaker,
but he seems to be late.
Any questions from last week?
How accurate is "The Wire"?
[ Door opens, students murmur ]
Here. Sit down, you shithead.
And stay there, or I'll punch you
right in your ugly fuckin' face!
All right, all right. Damn, man.
I'm sorry, Professor.
I was driving here,
and I saw this scumbag I like for a rape in Morningside Park.
But he won't be a problem, or I'll shoot him in the kidney.
Right, Fuckstain?!
Yeah. Yeah.
Name's Detective Ouellette.
25th Precinct.
I am a pawn for political elections.
I'm a flash point for citizen anger.
But I'm also the mug who tries to figure out
who beat up your best friend, who raped your sister.
And how do I do that?
I pay attention to details.
Ethics question --
How is it that we're not all amoral lunatics,
taking or fucking whatever we want?
Religion?
Failed.
Parenting?
It's extinct.
It's because of this.
The New York penal law book.
[ Thud ]
And this.
[ Students gasp ]
A 9-millimeter Sig P226.
Have you seen "The Wire"?
Fuck you.
All right, I'm gonna outline a couple of cases here
that are very recent.
Why are you bullshitting us?
To what bullshit would you be referring?
Yo, get the fuck off me! What --
He's not a rape suspect.
Or you don't believe in patting down your perps.
Told you it was a stupid bit, O.
You ruined my gag, kid.
I was gonna have him bolt for the door
and see how many of you had the balls enough to stop him.
This scumbag is actually my partner,
Detective Tyson Betz.
Meet -- uh, what's your name?
Shane Botwin.
The only kid in here who's paying attention to details.
Congratulations.
I'm gonna go smoke.
Get out of these stupid-ass clothes.
Nice job, Botwin.
Now sit down and shut up.
Three cases. Let's see what we got.
Heylia?
[ Frog croaks ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Click ]
Get your ass off my counter. This ain't "Family Ties."
Why did Conrad leave?
Fool met this little Chinese girl --
Econ, PhD.
Asians and their numbers.
To go on and run down to L.A., sell to the clubs.
Spent the whole time telling him he deserved a bigger cut.
Came home, said, "I want more."
I told him, "A," "Fuck you,"
and "B," "You best stop seeing her."
Two days later, he's gone.
I know what you're growing, Heylia.
It's MILF.
You're growing MILF.
I thought it was lost forever.
Didn't your little fancy private school
tell you nothing gets lost?
Just shows up in a different form.
Maybe with a new hair color.
Or maybe trying to steal from me.
In other words,
give me the fucking seeds you took out of that drawer.
[ Breathes deeply ]
This is my strain.
Bitch, Conrad invented MILF
when you were still selling dime bags for your mommy.
Out of your goddamn mind, trying to steal from me.
Fine.
But we created MILF 2.0 together.
Just because you drove Conrad away
doesn't mean it's yours now.
How old are you?
24.
Okay.
So Nancy's still got a good 10 years
of you following her around, slinging her dime bags.
We're partners.
Oh, Conrad used to say that, too.
It's pretty big of you to work for her
after finding out your daddy ain't your daddy.
Oh, Conrad's a gossip.
That's none of your business.
Boy, don't you slam my door.
[ Door slams ]
Well, thanks for letting me come --
Just begin? Okay.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the Copenhagen wheel,
a revolutionary accessory that turns your bicycle
into an electric hybrid,
storing the energy you expend pedaling
to give you a boost when you need it.
[ Sniffs ]
How about -- how about I, uh, show a sales video?
Keep in mind, I made this for a slightly different audience, so...
[ Clicks tongue ]
Oh.
Good day.
I'm local micro-celebrity and Danmarks
Nationalsocialistiske Bevaegelse mayoral candidate
"Fun-Bike" Andy.
I'm here talking to Copenhagen residents
about a miraculous new invention.
Excuse me, sir, what would you say
is the toughest part about life in Copenhagen?
The Muslims.
[ Chuckles ] I'm kidding. Kidding.
No, the commute, for sure.
Biking up these hills leaves me zeer pooped.
Well, try this.
[ Twinkle! ]
Wow!
Thank you, stranger!
Celebrities love it, too.
I use the Copenhagen wheel for transport to the set
of my hit television drama program,
"Crime Robbery Policeforce."
I am but a simple puppeteer, and even I can afford one.
Yeah, and it will be perfect
for when we start a family very soon.
Silas: The Copenhagen wheel makes me jump for --
I think I twisted my ankle.
And the Copenhagen wheel is surprisingly inexpensive.
And with the tax credits
from the recent repeal of the herring tariff,
the Copenhagen wheel is even more affordable still!
[ Remote clicks ]
You guys recognize Doug?
Uh, how much are you looking for here?
Um...75, 80.
80 mil for a bike accessory?
No. No, no, no. $80,000. Yeah.
$90,000 if I redo the floors.
I have a great retail space in P.A.M.P.A.
Do you know the -- the parallelogram
above the Manhattan Psychiatric Asylum?
It's a real up-and-coming neighborhood, so...
[ Laughs ]
Thank you, Mr. Botwin.
So, are you gonna fund me?
Come back when your market cap is closer to...
Uh... [ Chuckles ]
When you have a market cap.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you for coming by.
Thanks for your time.
You looked good, Rocket Man. Yeah. [ Clears throat ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Excuse me, Detective?
Oh, Encyclopedia fuckin' Brown. What do you want?
You talked about the case
with the mailbox place that got shot up.
You said it was a front, like a fake store?
No, it was a real shop --
legitimate business covering an illegal one --
prostitution, in this case.
Covering how? Like on paper?
Yeah. And foot traffic.
They didn't raise suspicion
with all those mopes walking in and out of there all day,
checking their mail, right.
Did they launder the money, too?
Are you taking this class
because "The Films of Nic Cage" was all filled up,
or are you really interested?
No, I'm totally into it.
All right. You take my card.
If you want to come down to the precinct sometime,
I'll show you around.
That -- that sounds fruity.
What I mean is
the police academy isn't exactly bursting
with the brain trust of your generation,
if you know what I'm saying.
Okay.
Later, Botwin.
See you around.
[ Footsteps approach ]
Wait, Silas! Stop!
What?
[ Sighs ] Nothing.
You know this is MILF?
Really?
I thought MILF was lost.
Nothing's ever lost.
Uh, I was thinking
we'd show Heylia the money, arrange transport,
explain to her why having her product in New York --
We haven't talked yet, you know.
I try, but you keep stalling, so we're gonna do it now.
Talk about what?
What did he say when I was born, huh?
"Well, doesn't look like me. That's weird.
Oh, well."
Didn't matter to him.
Bullshit.
Or is your memory just as screwed up as everything else?
You were born at 10:59 A.M.
The walls of my room were pink
with a faded border of quarter horses along the top.
A nurse was playing "Sunshine of Your Love" as you emerged.
My first thought was I wanted to eat one of your toes
so I could still keep a piece of you inside of me.
My second thought was,
"If Judah does not love this baby, I'm gonna leave him."
So you see? My memory is perfect.
Everything you say, mom, just sounds like stuff to say.
It doesn't actually mean anything.
Does it really matter in the end?
Does he show up any less in your dreams?
Does he mean any less to you?
No.
You do.
Part of him knew, I think, whether I told him or not.
And h-he had room in his heart.
You were his.
You never told him?
That is so unbelievably deceitful.
I did it for you.
You don't get to make those choices for other people.
You would have preferred what, that I abort you?!
And you don't get credit
for having a baby with fucking Lars.
He's so dumb! I-I got the dumb genes!
You're not dumb.
Yeah, Shane got other things,
but you're sweet and so good-looking
and not a murderer, which puts you squarely in the lead.
So, yeah, I kept you in the dark for much of your life,
but you gave me stretch marks, so we're even.
Dad's dead.
You lied to me my whole life,
and I'm stuck here with you fucking endlessly.
So no, mom, we're not even close to even.
I did it! I found you guys!
Fuck you, Heylia! Dean Hodes is a man!
[ Snap ]
Fuck!
[ Screaming ]
Oh, God!
Now, this place is still configured
for the last business,
but I'm confident you'll see the potential.
[ Chuckles ]
My first gay bar.
The real-estate lady promised she would have this cleaned up.
What's back here?
Uh...
Kitchen, employee-changing area, dungeon.
Is there a back door?
Yeah -- goes out to an alley.
Great. It's perfect.
You mean --
I'll front you the start-up money.
Just like that?
Oh, my God! Shane!
[ Breathes deeply ]
You have no idea how much it means that you believe in me.
I don't believe in you.
You have no business plan.
This is a terrible location for foot traffic.
And you don't even know if the Copenhagen wheel
is street-legal in the United States yet.
T-then why are you investing?
As a front for mom.
She thinks she needs Silas, but she needs me.
No way.
This is gonna be a legitimate retail business.
It will be. The main space is all yours.
Drug stuff in the back.
We'll use the alley for deliveries. Completely hidden.
This isn't what I wanted.
Just think of it like in "Goodfellas"
when that guy comes to Paulie for help at the restaurant.
Paulie used the restaurant as a criminal hub.
Then he torched the place once he sucked it dry.
What's your point?
How is he?
He'll sleep till the doctor gets here.
Told that idiot to never go out there.
Heylia...
People love MILF.
They don't have it in New York yet.
We can open up that market. We have customers.
You have a package ready to go.
We can buy right now,
and you don't have to drive anywhere --
Stop.
I'll supply you.
On one condition.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Great. Thank you.
What is it?
Give me Silas.
What?
Not permanently.
He helps harvest the current crop,
then he gets what's already packaged,
rents a vehicle, transports it to New York himself.
Offer's on the table -- five minutes.
Well, this is stupid. Let's go.
I'll do it.
Fuck no. You can't have my son.
Sure she can.
We need this.
I'll stay.
I d-- I mean...
Are you sure?
Okay, then. Fine.
Um...
You know I'm doing this -- I'm doing all this for my child.
I'm not a child.
I meant Stevie.
[ Chuckles ]
No.
Y-you're my child, too.
So... I get it, though.
Um, I'll see you in New York.
Drive safe, okay? Be safe.
[ Door closes ]
Sit.
Fix you something to eat before you get started.
It's a horrible mistake.
And the bottom line is,
I should not be ever let loose in San Francisco.
What about you?
Aside from losing Silas to his friends for the weekend,
you stay out of trouble?
I was a good girl.
Good girl.
[ Groans ]
I have to rest my eyes, I think.
Um...
Tell me something interesting for my book.
That would be a nice thing to do.
Okay.
Um...
I almost stepped in a bear trap today.
Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckles softly ]
Also...
Someone accused me
of only being aware of what's right in front of me.
I didn't defend myself, but it isn't true.
The opposite.
Any moment -- eating lunch, washing my hair --
I'm aware of all my people, wherever they are.
And I carry them, you know.
Otherwise, they might...slip away.
And then what?
Hey.
What the fuck?
That's not even a story. It's not a story.
Sorry.
[ Groans ]
I'll have some better ones for you next time.
Mm-hmm.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com